I was told I would never get married because I don't believe in dating.
And yet, I got married (relatively young) at 23 to an amazing woman, without ever dating.
I never dated anyone else before her, and I didn't even go on a date with my wife, Haley, until AFTER we were married!
Crazy, I know, but it's been a tremendous advantage for our relationship.
Not dating is basically a cheat code for having a thriving marriage.
And yet, essentially NO ONE is tapping into this incredible marriage strategy.
The go-to method in our Western Civilization is what is known as “dating”, which I've already mentioned, but what do I mean by this?
What is dating?
Sounds like a stupid question because, “Everyone knows what dating is!” However, it has been my experience that everyone does NOT know what dating is—or at least—there are a lot of varying definitions for it.
When I refer to “dating” I'm talking about the most typical and prevalent kind of dating in our culture. This is the kind of dating you see on TV, and in movies. The kind of dating that is seen in middle-school, high-school, college, and beyond.
Modern Dating
The number one purpose for this kind of dating is pleasure: fun.
The relationship usually starts out extremely superficial, and almost always because of physical appearance. The guy and girl find each other “hot,” as the kids like to say.
Once the guy and girl are officially boyfriend/girlfriend, they start the actual “dating,” and they go to a movie together or something of that sort. Neither person is expecting the relationship to lead anywhere. The possibility of marriage is not even in their minds.
Dating is all about experiencing the “thrills and chills,” as Ryan Dobson puts it. Dating brings status, as well as emotional and physical pleasure.
There are no physical boundaries in these kinds of relationships. Parents actually encourage their children to have fun and “experiment.” Schools encourage this as well. Rather than pushing purity, they simply educate kids on how to “be safe” in their promiscuity.
These dating relationships can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to several months. Sometimes—though rarely—they can get up to over a year long. These relationships are fueled by selfishness, not love.
They may feel like they are in love, but love is not about feelings. In reality, each partner is trying to leech as much personal pleasure out of the other person as possible. Once one or the other decides they've gotten all they can get, they break-up.
This is what dating is like today.
Dating is actually pretty bad...
Dating is pretty bad, and I think most people would admit this if they took some time to think about it and were honest with themselves.
But we don't know that there is any other way, so instead you see people defending dating...
Arguments for dating:
Many reasons are given in support of dating. These reasons include, but are not limited to:
- Gaining experience
Dating is widely understood to be good at preparing one for a lasting monogamous relationship one day. Through dating many different people, you learn how to “love” a person and what works and what doesn't work.
- Learning what you like in a person
It is also accepted that dating helps you understand what your likes and dislikes are in another person. Dating around allows you to narrow down what you're looking for in a spouse.
- You're young and should have fun while you still can
Another cultural assumption is that you are missing out if you don't date a lot while you are young. You should have fun and date around while you still can, since once you're married, it then becomes frowned upon to continue romancing those of the opposite gender.
- If you don't date you'll be single your whole life
Sure, saving yourself for one person sounds nice and all, but it's not realistic. You can wait, but no one else is waiting. You'll be left in the dust while all the eligible are snatched up by those more opportunistic than you. You can wait and save yourself if you want, but you'll be waiting forever.
Well, I'm living proof that this is a myth since I married my wife without ever dating any other people.
Not only that, but we didn't go on our first date together until AFTER we were married.
Are these arguments valid?
People like to say a lot of things without really examining to see if they're true. The merits of dating are no exception. Let's see if dating is really as good as everyone says it is.
Myth: Dating Prepares You For a Future Long-Lasting Relationship
50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Hmm...it seems dating is not preparing us for lasting marriages, but for divorce.
Not only that, but science shows that the more partners a woman has, the harder is for her to produce the brain chemistry needed for pair bonding.
Meaning, the more partners a woman has, the less likely she'll be to actually bond with a partner and experience the love she is after.
Statistics aside, let's use a little common sense.
- In dating, there is a lot of jumping from one romantic interest to another.
- Once your current boyfriend or girlfriend annoys you one too many times, you break-up.
- Once someone new and “better” catches your eye, you break-up.
The focus is on yourself. As long as you are happy by the relationship, it keeps going. Once you are unhappy (or, may it never be true, the other person becomes unhappy with you) the relationship ends.
In a dating relationship, you're constantly evaluating the merits of the other person, and if they are good enough for you. However, in a healthy marriage relationship, it should be the inverse. You should be evaluating yourself and how well you are serving your spouse.
Thus, dating and marriage mindsets are complete opposites.
Marriage hinges on self-sacrifice (a.k.a. LOVE.) Marriage only works if the husband and wife treat the other as more important than themselves. In dating, it's the complete opposite. The other person only matters insomuch as they bring happiness to us.
Dating doesn't prepare you for marriage; it prepares you for marriage's antithesis: divorce.
If you have a hard time remembering this, just remember that the “D” in “dating” stands for “divorce.” There, now you have no excuse for forgetting!
Myth: Dating Helps You Learn What You Like In A Person
Hmm...I can't decide if I want to marry a woman who is kind and modest and intelligent...or if I want to marry a woman who is cruel, arrogant, and stupid...
I think I should date one of each for a couple weeks then study the results of my experiment and see which I prefer.
Oh! And this needs to be scientific, so I should also have a control.
That means I also need to date a girl who is in the middle. So not too wretched, but no angel either. Maybe she volunteers in a soup kitchen on Wednesday...but tortures gerbils on Friday.
Let's apply common sense here. (It can be applied in every situation. It's not cheating, really! You can use it all the time!)
Are we really so stupid that we can't figure out what we like in a person and what we don't? We figure out pretty early on in life how we like to be treated and how we don't.
If you're still confused about what kind of person you should marry...it's in the Bible. There are many passages which should clue you in. (Proverbs 31, Titus 2, 2 Corinthians 6:14 to name a few.) On top of that, Jesus is the perfect example of who we should be trying to be.
If you need to date to find out what kind of person you're interested in...you're probably not a good person for somebody else to be dating.
I found out everything I needed to know in order to propose to the woman who is now my wife without dating her, or anyone else.
I got to know her as a co-worker and friend. I didn't have to date.
Myth: You Need To Have Fun While You Still Can
During my freshman orientation to high-school, a student mentor gave me and a small group of my fellow freshman a tour of the school. While on this tour, the mentor talked about how great high-school is. “It's the best time of your life,” she said.
I couldn't help but think how sad that sounded (especially now since I am out of high-school.) If the high-school years are the best years of our lives, then that means life peaks early, and then the majority of our lives are spent going down hill.
I think the mindset expressed by the student mentor reflects the same mindset of the argument that you should date around and have fun while you can.
The mindset that the teen years are meant to be used for sucking up as much fun and pleasure as possible before we have to start being adults and being “mature” and “responsible.”
This same mindset also mistakes “fun” for “good.” Not all fun is healthy or innocent, and dating is not either. You run your purity through the gauntlet with each new dating relationship you enter in. It never makes it through unscathed.
Purity is not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual. You give a part of yourself away to each new person you date, whether you realize it or not.
If you are meant to be married, then your future spouse is out there somewhere. They're alive. Alive and walking around on the same earth you are. Be faithful to your spouse now, even though you don't know who they are yet. When you are dating around “having fun,” you are actually not being faithful to your spouse. It doesn't matter that you haven't met them yet.
Dating around for fun is like blowing yourself up for fun. You're going to hurt yourself, and the others around you. It's really not even that fun.
Myth: If You Don't Date, You'll Be Single For Life
This one is laughably false. I never dated, and I got married pretty young.
Here's what I wrote before I got married:
I've personally been told that my beliefs for how one goes about getting married will result in me being single for life.
This makes me laugh.
First of all, there is nothing wrong with being single for life. Singleness is not a disease.
The number one purpose in life is not to get married. The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. That means obeying Him and keeping His commandments (John 14).
So why would you break God's commandments just to make sure you don't end up being single for life? Maybe my views will leave me single for life, but that's only because it's God's will, and living in God's will is the very best life you can have.
However, I don't believe for a second that my beliefs will result in one being single for life. It just means you probably won't be married to a person you don't want to be married to. But that's a good thing!
If you want to be married, then it's likely that it is God's will for to be married. It will happen, but if you want it to be beautiful and God-honoring, then you have to wait on His timing, and not take things into your own hands. This doesn't mean be passive, but rather, trust God.
By choosing not to date, you are setting yourself up for something so much greater than what the rest of the world is experiencing through the fickle dating culture.
By choosing not to date, you are freed from a burden you didn't know you were carrying, and find perspective—a perspective not set on pleasing the opposite sex, but on honoring God and becoming like Christ.
Choosing not to date will not leave you single for life, but will instead open you up to a much richer life.
I wrote that 10 years ago, and it's still so true, because now I've experienced it, having been married for over 6 years now.
But What About Christian Dating?
Now some may claim that what I've depicted is not what “Christian dating” is like. Those claims would be false.
Dating is a system built on selfishness. Even if the individuals involved are selfless individuals, the mindset of dating is all wrong.
And remember, when I say “dating” I am referring to the exploratory form of romance which individuals participate in for the purpose of fun, rather than finding a spouse.
Christian dating claims to be different than the mainstream culture's way of dating, but the reality is they are almost identical. The only main difference is that physical purity is held in higher regard.
While there are boundaries in Christian dating—where as mainstream culture has none—these boundaries are rarely maintained. This isn't necessarily because the dating individuals are “bad Christians”--but rather—the system of dating itself is flawed.
Even strong Christians can find themselves running into problems when going about the process of dating.
Okay...dating stinks...but now what? Criticism without a solution is just that—criticism. Well there is a solution. It's better, safer, biblical, beautiful and honors God. For lack of a better term, I call it “Courtship.”
But that's for another article.